Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Mother's Thoughts

Though Dave is away and life is hectic, I have had the most blessed and cherishing days with my daughters. In a weird way I like the time alone as it gives me complete one on one time with my children. Granted, I am exhausted at the end of the day - both physically and emotionally but despite my fatigue, I have really had the opportunity to bond and love on my kids in a way I just haven't had before. Making sense? Probably not - but read on......

So as many of you may know, my relationship with Paloma has been different. I say that not necessarily in a bad way - just different. Knowing and really praying Paloma would be my last child, I created all these expectations of what I wanted her to be. I wanted this perfect relationship with her, I wanted the opportunity to bond and connect in the exact same way I did with my first baby. Mattea was an absolutely content and perfect baby in every sense of the word. She was mellow and happy. She came into our family and immediately fit in. She had a smile and personality that was like no other. Coming from the same gene pool, I just assumed that Paloma would be the same.

Well, much to my surprise, Paloma was way different. From the beginning she was different. Her delivery was a bit more complicated. Her first few days at home were nothing mellow or happy. It seemed to be one problem after another. And although those problems were not serious - to a post-partum mom, they were catastrophic. It seemed as if my perfect outlook that I had created for my family was quickly falling apart - and we hadn't even made it past the first week. The ball continued to roll. The bonding that I had so wanted with Paloma was interrupted by her sister's plea to help her "go potty" or the endless loads of laundry that were piling up now with two children. I yearned for the days that I had with Mattea where I could lay around napping when she napped, holding her for hours on end because I had nothing else to do but love on my baby. That is what I wanted. That sweet scent of serenity I was able to experience with my first child. Now all I could hear was screaming, tantrums, crying, tantrums, phone calls, tantrums.... Life was different and I wasn't adapting.

Anyways, after succumbing to Satan's grip, I became overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Guilt for not giving Paloma my undivided attention, guilt for not being the best mom I could to Mattea, guilt for not being as an attentive and supportive wife as I should have, guilt for disconnecting with my friends, guilt, guilt guilt. Soon I was overcome. And it didn't stop there. As Paloma struggled with her own personal issues, I struggled with guilt about why I couldn't help her, why I wasn't more compassionate, why she was requiring so much attention while Mattea so patiently sat on the sidelines.

Finally!!! In the last couple days I have seen the light! Literally. I am free from the guilt that once held me hostage. I am free to love both of my children - especially Paloma - whole heartidly. It was just this afternoon while Mattea was busy in the other room that I stepped back and was able to appreciate the amazing and beautiful little girl Paloma has become. She has had a struggle but man is that little girl resilient. She has been so happy, so spunky, so curious, so sweet. Her personality is so different from that of the baby I brought home 18 months ago. She is so compassionate and loving. I have been able to connect and bond with this sweet and precious child finally, in the way that I had always intended. I love these months just prior to turning two. They are curious and smart, sassy and sweet, pushing the boundaries but weary of wandering too far from mom's trusting grasp. I want so badly to redo the last 18 months - but I can't. I can look on to the future though with hope that I can make up for lost time and truly appreciate and remember THIS Paloma, the Paloma that is in front of me now.

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