So, not much to this post. It is simply me and my computer. With my husband away, my kids in bed, and absolute silence in the house, I've decided that instead of sitting down with my journal, I'd sit at the computer.
I'm tired, frustrated, angry, bitter,overwhelmed, and did I mention frustrated.
I had a bad day ~ yep, a downright wretched day. Although it was bad, and I want it to be erased, I will praise God and thank him for this day nonetheless.
I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that PMS is rearing its ugly head, or my husband traveled all this week, my kids are exhausted, or perhaps I have been skipping my quiet time with God. Whatever the case is, today sucked!
I seem to have these kinds of weeks every once and awhile - feeling like the weight of the world is on me, feeling like stuff needs to get done and isn't, feeling like my children are heathens and I absolutely can't get a handle on things, and feeling like I'm completely alone in all of it. Yep, feeling a bit broken at the moment.
I woke up the this morning after getting less sleep than I had wanted because I had to answer the call of "cuddle with me" at 3 am and "i want my daddy" around 4 or 5 am (can't remember and frankly it doesn't matter.) Of course, this morning we had to be out of the house by 9am(well 8:40 if i wanted to get that badly needed cup of coffee from Starbucks) to get to gymnastics class. Paloma was grumpier than all get out and was in tears within the first 10 min. of being up. She threw tantrum after tantrum - one involving the leotard she was to wear. She was so mad that she actually peed in it so she didn't have to wear it. Now I'm not going to fight over what leotard she is going to wear - in fact, she picked it out. But, I refuse to let her go in the pajamas she wore all night. I must put my foot down somewhere.
Then, tantrum sparks tantrum and it wasn't long before Mattea was mouthing off and acting downright disrespectful. That is just one behavior that gets my goat and is not tolerated at our house. SO, rather than taking a moment to pray and ask God for guidance in dealing with my two children before 9 am, I simply lost my cool, hollered a bit, slammed around a few dishes, and well, became frustrated. Still, we are no where near leaving.
The behavior continued -tantrums at gymnastics, poor listening at the gym, back talk and sassiness at home. When I finally got them down to bed, I called David and almost cried. I felt and still feel horrible for my behavior and my actions. I felt in retrospect that I could have handled things differently but at the time I was simply doing what I needed to to survive. Lord help me regain composure should have been my prayer but in fact "children start listening" were the words resonating from my tongue.
Ugh - I hate these feelings. These feelings of should of, could of, would of - didn't! My morning devotion about a week back involved a passage about following God and having a Godly day instead of following Satan and having a "fleshy" day. At the time I remember having an AHA moment ~ almost like a "yep, I finally got it" kind of moment. Lesson, I didn't get it because today Satan won. I had a fleshy day. I reacted in fleshy ways with fleshy words and fleshy feelings. Sadly enough when I put my kids to bed they both said "I love you" and I believe they meant it. And sadly enough, I know that tomorrow I will be given a brand new slate and I'll be forgiven. Sadly enough, I know my kids will wake up with little recollection of today's events (because the great thing about children is they have a short memory - sometimes) but why or why do I have to have these kinds of days to remind myself of the kind of days I want to have?
Lord, why must I be tested like this - because at the end of the night I feel terrible. I guess it takes these kinds of lessons to remind me that I am not in control, nor will I ever be in control. And the more I think that I'm in control, the more that I'm knocked down to my knees. Perhaps if God would have been invited into my home today, I'd be looking back at this day with a different perspective. Just a thought.....