Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Life As A Bald Lady

So I promised an update on what life has been life since losing my hair only 2.5 weeks ago. Gosh, it totally seems longer. I can't believe it has not even been 3 weeks. But as I count on my calendar, it is true. I'm sad in so many ways - one because I have not really had a whole lot of time to enjoy my new do. It is growing like crazy. I guess these vitamins really do work.

Since shaving my hair 3 weeks ago, I have had the opportunity to think, assess, and rethink why I did what I did. Would I do it again? Would I encourage others? Do I regret it? After being at work last night and receiving the news that yet another one of our oncology patients had passed away, my answer was reaffirmed. Yes, i would do it again (in a heartbeat), yes i would encourage others, and no mostly certainly do I not regret it. I have been blessed to be a part of St. Baldricks. I am more than honored to have been a part of the efforts that occurred to raise money for such a worthy cause.

I have learned a lot over the last couple of weeks. I learned that I often times hid behind my hair. I find now that I don't really have any to hide behind, I stand taller, I walk more confidently, and I approach people with a greater sense of pride. Truly, when you are bald, you are in all essence naked. You are exposed and a bit vulnerable. Your imperfections are there - in bright light for all the world to see. I've realized though that I need to make amends with those imperfections. This is who I am - this is who I will be. I can't change how I was made, nor should I want to. You begin to appreciate a new sense of beauty. To those who choose the look or those who are forced into it, there is beauty...

In the past couple of weeks, I have received stares, awkward looks, and a even a few comments. Clearly I am most at ease at work - where people look, act, sound different and it is acceptable. But I have found that simple little acts like going to the gym have increased my insecurity. Well, I should say they did. As the days pass, I am no longer bothered by the stares from others working out on the treadmill, or the comments made at my daughter's gymnastics class. I know my reasoning, I know my heart, and I know my intentions - and really that is all that matters. And that is what I've tried to instill in my children. Miss Mattea is in a "weird" phase. Her hair will fly in 3 different directions if not tamed, she has a large gaping whole between her two front teeth, she is messy in everything she does, and has outrageously bad breath due to potential tonsil problems. But you know what - her heart is amazing. She is the most compassionate and God loving little girl that I know. She is kind, and empathetic, strong yet soft. She is nothing short of spectacular. That is what makes her beautiful. (Don't get me wrong, I thing she is stunning despite her bad breath and gaping hole.)

Am I articulating my point? I kind of feel like I'm rambling?

There is certainly nothing wrong with spending time in front of mirror, combing hair, doing makeup, dressing just right. Nothing at all. In fact, I love looking good. But, what I've realized is you can primp and prime all that your heart's desire but true beauty is not obtained until your heart has been beautified. Your inner strength will radiate far more than any blush you can apply or any lipstick you can dab. It is kind of what your mother always said "It's what is on the inside that counts." I've learned and I continue to learn.

Just yesterday I have chosen to keep my look for awhile longer. Just short of 3 weeks, I chose to re shave my head and live up my look for the summer. Not only am I saving a bunch of money, time, and stress, I'm gaining some valuable lessons. So I'm sticking with it for a bit longer.

1 comment:

Kim said...

Wow! What amazing insights you have gained. I think we all hide in some way--whether it be hair or your own coping strategy--to cover up the things that make us feel insecure. But to be truly comfortable with who you are is an awesome realization for you at 32 and for your two young girls!